Joke Thread.

(This thread is rated R.)


I thought that these forums need a bit more humour. So heres a thread where you can write jokes and stuff! It can be any joke you like, but try not to be racist or sexist or anything.

Have Fun!

There are two muffins chilling out in an oven. The first one says "gee, it sure is hot in here," then the second one says, "hey cool! A talking muffin!"

"Wha- on my gosh, you're right! We have to work together to get out of this alive. The world must know that there's two... muffins out there who can speak English!"

And then they got hungry and ate eachother. The end.

*runs through list of jokes* CRAP! Most of them are sexist... ah, oh well. I'll be sharing one of my favorites.

The military was trying to get a bunch of generals to retire. So, as a bonus, they said they'd pay $1,000 for every inch measured on the general's body. So the Army general says, "Measure me from the tip of my fingers to the tip of my other one," and he gets $60,000. The Air Force general said, "Measure me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet," and he gets $72,000.

Then they told the Marine. He said, "Measure me from the tip of my penis down to my balls." Everyone asked, "Are you sure?!" To which the Marine General nodded and replied, "Yup, my balls are in Vietnam."

Doctor: "I have some news and I'm sorry to tell you, but you've got to stop masturbating."

Man: "Oh no, Doctor! But why?"

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you and it's very distracting."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man cheated on his wife with a woman named Clearly. She found out and forced him to break up with his girlfriend. One day, the wife died. In response, the man stood up and said, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone!"

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A man gets completely drunk one night. The next morning, he woke up and there was a glass of water and some pain killers on his nightstand. His outfit was laid out for him and keys to a new vehicle. He walked out of the bedroom, hungover as all hell, and ran into his son.

"Where is your mother?" He asked.

"She's in the kitchen making you your favorite meal," Replied the son.

"Really? What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home, threw up twice on the brand new carpet, knocked over Grandma Jean's ashes on top of your vomit, and shit your pants."

"Oh no! What happened then?"

"Well, when mom tried to get you into the bedroom and to take off your clothes, you screamed bloody murder and punched her in the face," Continued the son. The father groaned and asked what happened next.

"You said, 'Get off me, whore! I'm a married man!'"

"girl and a guy sit on a bench in the middle of an empty park"

Girl: Jim...i think we should break up. I feel that you never seem to take any notice of me.
Guy: HOLY SHIT! "Jumps up" Benches arent supposed to talk!

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Two friends are walking in the street, when a kid walks past with an ipad.

Friend 1: Wow! That kid has an ipad!

Friend 2: wow...i wish i had one of those...

Friend 1: but you already have an ipad!

Friend 2: Ipad?

___________________

"Guy walks in with his left leg and arm missing"

Guy 1: Help! A shark bit off my arms!

Guy 2: Oh my god! how do you feel?

Guy 1: Im all right!

Guy 2: ...

Guy 1: ...i used a saw. I just wanted to make that pun.


________________

One day god wanted to give people some commandments, so he sent an angel to give them to people. Firstly the angel went to the french

Angel: Do you want some commandments?
French guy: Give me an example.
Angel: Thou shal not steal
French guy: no thanks.

He then went to see the italians.

Angel: you want some commandments?
Italian guy: Give me an example
Angel: Thou shalt not commit adultery
Italian guy: Hell no!

He then went to see the germans

Angel: want any commandments?
German guy: Give me an example.
Angel: Thou shalt not kill.
German guy: No.

He then went to see the jewish people.

Angel: Do you want some commandments?
Jewish guy: how much are they?
Angel: they are free.
Jewish guy: We'll take ten!

____________

Friend 1: hey, you were due here an hour ago! Where were you?
Friend 2: sorry, i forgot. I have a really bad memory.
Friend 1: fair enough. i have a bad memory too.
Friend 2: yeah, so do i.
___________________

"Doctor and a patient in a room"
Doctor: My father used to say to me, "A picture is worth a thousand words..."
"Doctor looks at an X-ray"
Doctor: But this one just says, "You're screwed"

Given to me by Mech:

"Time flies like an arrow, until it stops someone's adventure by hitting them in the knee."

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are driving, and get pulled over. Heisenberg is in the driver's seat, the officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!" The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, asshole!"

Chris, I don't get like any of your jokes... at all xD

*~How to Survive a Shark Attack~*

1: Don't swim in the ocean. Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music. In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvellous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da , daah-da " chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people. Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife. This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freaking life.

5: Don't panic. In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.

Are my jokes to sophisticated for you?

One more.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

You should a been a lawyer, big word speaking sophisticated man.

Ok, so a rich man has a son, decides it'll be his only son, and chooses to spoil him his whole life, but decides to only celebrate the child's birthday every 5 years. On the child's 1st celebrated birthday, when he's 5, he gets his kid a bike. The kid gets in a bad crash, and breaks his right leg. On the kid's 2nd birthday, when he's 10, the kid gets a large trampoline. The kid jumps on for days, but gets rid of it after he breaks his right leg again. On the kids 3rd celebrated Birthday, when he's 15, the dad asks the kid what he wants more than anything else, and the kid says "a little green ball." The dad and kid drive to the store, but on the way get in a car accident. The dad is unharmed, but the kid is severely hurt, and about to die, but surprisingly, his right leg is fine. The dad asks the kid why he wanted the green ball,and the son says "Come Closer." The dad leans in , and the kid repeats himself, the dad leans in again, and the kid says "I wanted the green ball because......." and dies.

I really didn't get that joke at all.

A young woman on a flight from Mexico asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course, what may I do for you?" the priest replied.
"Well, I bought an expensive hair dryer for my mother's birthday. It's unopened and over my customs limits. I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie," said the devout man.
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed for a woman's use, but which is, to date, unused." The official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be a slight by the arrogant Earthling, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his johnson around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student.

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."