Engrish Funny (A Help Guide)

As some of you may know, I am a stickler for grammer (You see what I did there?). Since I request everyone to use proper English, I figured I'd put up this thread. It's not exactly easy to be told that and follow it if you don't know what you're doing wrong. I'll be addressing some pretty common errors I see.

This is by no means a complete list. I'll be adding more on later. If you have any questions, feel free to post here or PM me.

1. To, Too, and Two. To is usually used with verbs or used as a direction. An example would be "Jimmy went to the store" or "To be or not to be."
   
   Too is used to exaggerate or to include. "That baby is too cute!" "I want ice cream too."
   
   Two is the actual number 2. I shouldn't see this, ever, unless you're talking about math, age, or other numerical things.
   
   "Let's go to the shoe store."
   "I want two of these shoes, one for me and my friend too."
   
   
2. Were, Where, Ware, and Wear. Were is the past tense of the "to be" verb. Were applies to the subjects "You", "We", and "They" although that is not a complete list. "Jimmy and I were playing ball" would be appropriate.
   
   Where is a direction. "Where did you play ball?"
   
   Ware is an item or a good, usually up for sale. "Come on in and see my wares!" It is usually not used in day to day speech.
   
   Wear usually refers to clothing, although it can be used to describe depletion. "I like to wear socks with sandals" would be an accurate example. "Wear and tear" does not refer to clothing and boohoo crying. It means the natural degeneration of an object. "Worse for wear" is another example.
   
   "Where were you?"
   "I was selling my wares so someone could wear fake Coach shoes."
   
   
3. Their, There, and They're. Their is the possessive word for "They". "Their cat is evil" would show proper use of their.
   
   There is another directional word. "They live just over there" would be an example.
   
   They're is a conjunction. It is the combined word for "They are". It should only be used as such. "They're a bunch of snobs."
   
   "I wouldn't go over there! Their kid bites ankles and they're crazy!"
   
   
4. Apostrophes. Not pointing any fingers, but some people abuse apostrophes. *glares at Kinz* Apostrophes work like this:
   
   A. They are used when combining the subject and a to be verb. "You're a jerk", (I know) "Jimmy's a jerk", and "Gunner's dumb" are all correct uses of combining a subject and a verb together.
   
   B. Possession. It gets a little complicated when we start to talk about possession. Proper nouns, such as names and places, require an apostrophe when talking about possession. "Jimmy's dog is a dumb jerk." However, pronouns (he, she, they, so on and so forth) do not get an apostrophe when speaking of possession. They have a completely different word for it (his, her, their).
   
   C. Nouns with an S at the end and plural nouns do not get an apostrophe unless speaking of possession. Let me clarify. "Bird's are everywhere in the fall" is incorrect. There should be no apostrophe in "Birds". When you have an S at the end of the word, the apostrophe goes after the S and does not get an additional S. "James' truck breaks down too much" and "Gooses' feathers are sought after for pillows" are examples of using apostrophes for plural nouns.
   
   D. When quoting within a quote, apostrophes can be used. "The President said, 'I will bring a change!' And now there is debate if that change is good or bad" is an example. Please remember that they work like quotation marks, so there should be a beginning apostrophe and an end apostrophe. If the end of the quote is at the end of the spoken sentence, there should be three tick marks altogether. "And God said, 'Let there be light!'"